Rules for Life.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_marshmallow_experiment;

Jordan Bernt Peterson, Canadian professor of psychology at the University of Toronto, Clinical Psychologist and published author, wrote the Book, “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos”. The Book aims to assist us with guidelines to alleviate suffering. Peterson makes mention of the fact that most people hate rules and regard them as a means to control and rob us of fun. For that reason, most people hate the term rules. However the fact is, the only guarantee we have in life is that there will be pain, suffering as well depending on how we respond to that pain. There are rules, such as his that are simply tried and tested methods that can facilitate a life in which we need not experience as much pain and we need not suffer. The rules that follow are not all of Peterson’s rules, but some have been incorporated. What I found to be interesting is that with most of the rules, there is a strong requirement for a foundation of faith. This is likely why religion has played the massive role in society, which it has.

Rule #1 Embrace Uncertainty

Throughout one’s life there will be changes. Our ability to thrive will be dependent on whether we can go with the flow. When we resist change, we create tension in our bodies which is damaging to our health. We also prevent ourselves from being present and open to new opportunities that only arise due to changes in circumstance. The strongest among us are those that constantly challenge themselves to grow and evolve. We cannot grow and evolve, if we do not embrace change. People cling to old, outdated patterns, the familiar, due to fear of change. They miss out on a better job, better suited partner because they are too afraid to let go when necessary or to move on when the situation has become painful. We don’t listen to our intuition, we shut out our emotions and we suffer as a result. Those among us who are able to avoid suffering, do so by embracing the changing tides and not getting attached to any outcome because they understand that understanding and perception of reality is subjective and limited. In order to embrace uncertainty we need to develop faith. Faith is the remedy for uncertainty because without it, we cling to what is safe, what we know. We don’t dare change for fear of loss. Fear of lack. Faith will remind us that in the end it will all be ok, and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

Rule #2 Your life will change for the better once you learn to delay gratification 

The Stanford marshmallow experiment was a study on delayed gratification in 1972 led by psychologist Walter Mischel, a professor at Stanford University. The purpose of the study was to understand when the control of delayed gratification, the ability to wait to obtain something that one wants, develops in children. In this study there were 32 participants and each child was offered a choice between one small but immediate reward, or two small rewards if they waited for a period of time. During this time, the researcher left the room for about 15 minutes and then returned. The reward was either a marshmallow or pretzel stick, depending on the child’s preference. The results indicated the exact opposite of what was originally predicted. Instead of the rewards serving as a cue to attend to possible delayed rewards, the rewards themselves served to increase the children’s frustration and ultimately decreased the delay of gratification. The results seemed to indicate that not thinking about a reward enhances the ability to delay gratification, rather than focusing attention on the future rewards. Years later, after the children had grown up, the researchers then went back to see how they were doing in the adult world. What they found was stunning. The children who were able to resist the temptation of the marshmallow were doing better in life. They went to better schools, got better grades, had better relationships, made more money, and were happier and healthier. Delaying gratification also requires faith because if we don’t believe we will be rewarded for our efforts with greater happiness and success in the near future then we won’t give up the treat or the opportunity that is available to us in the present moment. Peterson mentions in his book that people coming from a “higher class”, where there is wealth, are generally far better at delaying gratification. They don’t over eat or abuse alcohol because they know there will be opportunities down the line for more food, drinks and fun. Alternatively those who come from poorer backgrounds don’t have any guarantee that an opportunity or good food will come around again and therefore will grab whatever they can get, when it arises. For the poor, survival is paramount, pleasure is scarce. If alcohol is presented to them, they will grab the opportunity to indulge in some escapism and this often leads to alcohol abuse. Contrary to popular belief will power is not the issue here. If human beings were at the mercy of sheer will power alone, few would succeed. What studies have found is that those who develop healthy habits, leading to their success (this could include restricting sugar, exercising, restricting alcohol or engaging in hard work), do so because they enjoy it. They enjoy these behaviours and they feel good knowing that the rewards are going to come. Incidentally the serotonin and dopamine release present after engaging in much of these activities leaves them feeling good straight afterwards but that isn’t always the case, especially when diminished dopamine levels present in those who have suffered addiction prior. In those cases faith plays a much bigger role at the beginning, only until the rewards become apparent.

Rule #3 Love everyone but chose your crowd carefully

I am a spiritual person that believes that we are all the embodiment of God. That we are all one. In an idealistic world, we would all love one another. Loving others is not always easy, some people make loving them extremely hard to do. I do believe it is helpful to retain this idealistic belief as It affords one much empathy, compassion and tolerance for those around you. When you have this attitude people pick up on your loving nature and are kinder to you as well. That being said some people are quite simply addicted to being victims, they are addicted to drama. Negativity surrounds them and they refuse to take the responsibility required to change. Those people will drag you down and prevent you from achieving higher levels of personal development and achievement. We live in a quantum universe. The law of Physics tells us that everything is energy, vibrating at different frequencies. Everything that we become, everything we perceive will be directly affected by our energetic vibration. Matter is just energy in motion. Energy mixes and has to meet. That means when you engage with someone of a higher vibration they will energise you. When you engage with someone of a lower vibration they will drain you. Your energetic vibration will be lowered to that of the person who is hell bent on staying a victim. All your efforts to progress will be halted and made infinitely harder. We don’t exist in silos, our decisions are influenced by those around us, our habits too. You become the sum total of the people you spend your time with. Choose wisely.

Rule #4  Treat yourself like you would someone you deeply love

Part of the deal when we embark on this human experience is that we are given egos. Our ego drives us towards survival and procreation and is thus necessary. The problem is most of us become slaves to our ego. The ego operates by driving us to strive for better. The problem with this is when we never feel as though we are good enough. The ego tells us that we will be happy once we achieve success and then once we achieve some success the goal post gets shifted. The ego lives in the future, it cannot exist in the present. We also live in a society underpinned by rigid religious ideals and rules, when we fail, as we all will at some point, we feel immense guilt and shame. We are taught that God is outside of us and that certain behaviour will render us worthy and others not. The result is that few of us connect deeply enough with ourselves to gain any self awareness necessary to cultivate a relationship. Without proper self awareness we cannot gain self acceptance, and without that we invite self condemnation. We dont believe that we are worthy of love, respect and good treatment and we become the first to facilitate our destruction. Most of us would never treat our loved ones the way we treat ourselves. We give great advice to loved ones but we don’t follow that same advice. You are acutely aware of your own faults and flaws, so you imagine yourself to be worse than others. That is not true, you are human, we are all human. We are not our pain, we are not our trauma, we are not the choices we have made that lead to suffering. We are more. So much more. We are God incarnated in human form, all of us. We need to treat ourselves as such.

Rule #5 The truth will set you free

The reason why there are cliches such as the above, is because someone before us realized they were useful after likely encountering some painful life lessons. Whether it’s a job you hate or a relationship with someone you aren’t compatible with, we waste a lot of extremely valuable time on the wrong path because we failed to be honest. Again faith is our foundation. We allow ourselves to operate from a mindset of fear and lack as we feel it necessary to grab what we can get regardless of its suitability for us. We do this by being dishonest, because we fear honesty would cost us that job or that romantic partner, and we fear that another, more suitable job or partner wouldn’t follow. Even if you cannot master the art of faith. You need to master the art of truth. Eventually the lack of skill required in that job will be revealed and you will be fired. The person you are dating will realize you aren’t who you pretended to be. When this happens, you will have to face unnecessary pain and humiliation, as well as time lost pursuing a path that wasn’t yours. You have been created the way that you are for good reason, trust that. It is said that the path to our purpose is paved by that which brings us joy. You have a unique energy signature for a reason. If we were all intended to be exactly the same then that which excited us would be exactly the same too. Our biology would be the same, but it isn’t, there has never been two biologically identical people. Embrace all that you are, the good and the less desirable. The fastest path to achieving success is by finding a sense of purpose. You can’t fake that. It is linked to your authentic self. Anything requiring you to be different is not for you and will never bring you true fulfillment.

Rule #6 Try to see beauty in every person you encounter

There are a lot of people that will challenge us and our serenity. If we remind ourselves that this person is a part of us, a part of God, then we will find it easier to see past the initial challenges they present. I find imagining the person as a hurt little child helps me practice more empathy. In Robert Redfields, ‘The Celestine Prophecy,’ “When we dislike someone, or feel threatened by someone, the natural tendency is to focus on something we dislike about the person, something that irritates us. Unfortunately, when we do this–instead of seeing the deeper beauty of the person and giving them energy–we take energy away and actually do them harm. All they know is that they suddenly feel less beautiful and less confident and it is because we sapped their energy. When we sap others of their energy we are harming ourselves as well. When we see the beauty in others, we feed them energy and in doing so feed ourselves. You will find that when you energise another, they will have a message for you that will help you along your journey. At the very least you will likely learn something. 

Rule #7 Appreciate the value of every experience

It has been said that what many old people say when they are on their deathbed is that it felt as though they had blinked and it was over. Life is short. Every experience, good or bad is worthwhile and if we embrace it we will enjoy the journey that much more. People yearn for the safety and comfort of a relationship when they are single and yet when they are in a relationship, they miss the excitement and freedom of being single. People strive to land impressive jobs when they are studying and when they are in them they miss the relaxation and rest they had as students. We yearn to travel and to emigrate and then once we have, we miss home. If we adopted an attitude of embracing every experience then we would allow every experience to bring us joy. We would remain fully present, life and time wouldn’t move so quickly.

Rule #8 Treat everyone and everything in your life as though it could be taken away at any moment

Every self help book says it. Every spiritual master preaches it. The key to joy is through gratitude. In order to attract what we want we have to begin from a place of gratitude for what we have. The fastest way to experience gratitude is to imagine a life without what you have right now. When we are grateful we treat others better. We aren’t left with regrets after our time with them is over. When we are grateful for the things we have, we stay present instead of endlessly planning for the future. We save more money. We aren’t constantly desiring that which we don’t have. Planning is great, wanting is ok but when it consumes us, it robs us of the most precious resource we have, time. It robs us of the only moment that matters, now. We can’t become who we wish to become if we are never in the now. Better thoughts lead to better behaviour, better behaviour leads to better habits. Your thoughts, behaviour and habits are what you do right now.

Rule #9  Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world

Some of the most terrible acts of violence on humanity have been committed by those who had undergone terrible mistreatment. But such evil experiences have the capacity to birth goodness and righteousness, not just the desire to pay the abuse forward. In your own life, you might be finding that the constant grind, endless news cycle, and the pressure of an angry society is making you bitter and resentful. instead of blaming the world, just consider your own circumstances. Whilst it is incredibly tempting to take to social media and rant about the shocking government or the heinous crimes committed by others, it does absolutely nothing to solve the problem at hand. What you successfully do is encourage everyone who reads your post or engages with you, to feel negative, drained and depressed. You have only worsened the situation you find yourself in. Instead, be a part of the solution. Where can you make small changes to improve your own personal experience? How can you take more advantage of your current situation? How can you be of service in a world that desperately requires love. Furthermore, if there is something that deeply bothers you about another, ask yourself why that is. Is there a part of you that can relate, are you perhaps projecting. After all that which bothers us, tells us far more about ourselves than it does about the other, keep that in mind. Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world. If we all did that, things could fix themselves.

Rule #10 You are responsible for your life

It is a tough pill to swallow at times but the truth is such. We are responsible for the reality that is before us. Every one of us will encounter pain, inconvenience and stress. We always have a choice regarding how we view the circumstances that exist and how we respond to them. There are basic universal laws and one of them is the law of cause and effect. For those of you that need a refresher: The law of cause and effect states that: Every effect has a specific and predictable cause. This means that everything that we currently have in our lives is an effect that is a result of a specific cause. “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”.  Every human thought, word and deed is a cause that sets off a wave of energy throughout the universe, which in turn creates the effect whether desirable or undesirable. Until you fully embody this truth you will never empower yourself to be the person you desire to be. You will feel yourself a victim of fate and circumstance. To live the life you dream of, achieve the results you are aiming for and even simply improve yourself, starts with first taking responsibility for your life. 

Rule #11 If you don’t like your life, change yourself.

As it states in the text based on David Eaglemans, ‘The Brain, the story of you’, our experience of reality is a construction of the brain. The brain cannot stream all the data input back to us and thus has to summarise. The brain picks up on data streams brought in by the senses but most of what we experience as reality is based on what the brain guesses. These guesses are based on expectations brought on through your thoughts, past experiences, beliefs and values. If the reality you see before you, isn’t one that you like, the only way to change that is to change yourself. If you wish to attract a better outcome in this quantum universe, where our thoughts alone set outcomes in motion, we need to think better thoughts. Start by paying attention to your thoughts, making the effort to remove the ones that are limiting or negative in nature. Then change your habits. In order to change your habits, it is necessary to become conscious of what  it is you value. Your values may need to be changed. When we were young, we didn’t know better and our lives were not in our hands. We were reliant on adults for our survival. We would have experienced hurt and trauma which led us to develop certain trauma mechanisms, beliefs and expectations about the world. A template of how we believe things to be, which is likely subconscious. One’s beliefs and expectations can be very limiting and they also ensure that the brain keeps us locked in a reality. If we want a different reality, we have to start with ourselves.

Rule #12 Pursue what is meaningful.

“There are many problems that money does not solve and others it makes worse. Rich people still divorce each other, alienate themselves from their children, and suffer from existential angst, and develop cancer and dementia, and die alone and unloved.” As Jordan Peterson says, one should pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient. When I was little, I used to watch the models on a popular travel show, they were being captured shooting swimwear in beautiful locations abroad. I remember thinking, gosh one day I want to be one of those models. In my mind, modelling abroad, being beautiful and having a husband was all it would take to bring me joy. As I got older, I was able to achieve my goal of modelling and travelling. I attended great parties and had lots of people around me. I met handsome men and got into relationships. I’d book a great shoot and enjoy a temporary rush of happiness, but the modelling industry mostly left me feeling very insecure. I picked up a cocaine habit. I felt as though my worth was tied to my beauty, nothing else, and many people didn’t even see that worth. My anxiety was high, I was at the mercy of outside opinion and my happiness was tied to it too.  None of my relationships were healthy, they were built on very shaky, superficial ground and whilst the traveling was wonderful (as were the parties), I felt more alone, more empty than I had before. It wasn’t until I found myself at the end of my tether, suicidal, that I realized I had been doing it wrong. When you pursue meaning, you naturally land up making better choices. Quality time with loved ones becomes what is most important. You pay attention to the present moment, understanding that time passes, life is short and soon it will be all over. Ultimately the path of meaning leads you to a place where the peace resides within, as does the happiness. Your intentions come from a place of love and gratitude and less from ego.