If I lose myself, I lose it all- 19th August

These are the lyrics to the song, Running by popular singer, songwriter Beyonce Knowles. The song goes: “I’ve outrun the fears that chased
They’re standin’ still
I’m runnin’ still
I’m runnin’ still
And every voice that cried inside my head, forever drives
Forever drives
I’ve killed the lights, oh

Where else can I go?
And where else can I go?
Chasing you, chasing you oh

Runnin’, runnin’, runnin’, runnin’
Runnin’, runnin’, runnin’
Ain’t runnin’ from myself no more
Together we’ll win it all
I ain’t runnin’, runnin’, runnin’, runnin’
Runnin’, runnin’, runnin’
Ain’t runnin’ from myself no more
I’m ready to face it all

If I lose myself, I lose it all”

I think back to the last 32 years of my life and from as far back as I can remember I have felt entirely at the mercy of the moods, opinions and actions of others. This made growing up for me entirely unpleasant. This also meant that romantic relationships were always a double edged sword for me. On the one hand, I needed one as desperately as I need water. I felt empty, incomplete, sad and a failure, without one but at the same time, once I got into one, my sense of stability and serenity would be under threat. This lead me to suffer greatly during my romantic relationships, which would inevitably end and leave me devastated. I have had my heart broken so many times. I believed that I would eventually meet the right man and would no longer suffer as I had. I would feel safe, good enough, worthy, love- able. I would feel happy and fulfilled. It wasn’t until December last year or so that I began questioning this belief. It occurred to me that whilst others could maintain a relationship for many years, I could not. There was a pattern. I would desperately yearn for love, to meet someone that I had a “connection” with, and at first it was euphoric and fun. Until I would develop feelings. I would feel vulnerable and this would terrify me. I would then begin to fear abandonment and rejection. The fear was crippling. I began actively and aggressively looking for all signs that I wasn’t good enough, wanted or loved. I believed that inevitably I would be rejected, and deemed not enough for this other person and that the relationship would end. Believing that this was inevitable, I lived with this debilitating anxiety that lead me to flee at the first sign that this was happening. I thought rather let me leave on my terms than risk the rejection. Believing that once this happened I would never recover because my inner most fears, would be confirmed.

These signs I sought would come in the form of this person being too preoccupied at work, needing space. Wanting to spend time alone with friends, placing too much importance on other priorities. Their inability to express certainty regarding our future as a couple. Any doubts they had about me or us. If they were unhappy at all, I always circled it back to it being about me and me not being enough or them not wanting me. If their friends or family members were “off/distant” for any reason it was again, a personal attack against me. I believed this to be a complete threat as I believed that my lack of real value would make me vulnerable in relation to the opinions of others, when it came to my partner. That if they, for any reason didn’t like me or feel that I was right for him, that my place in his life would be threated. This was draining because I would try my absolute best to be perceived well, liked, approved of and if for any reason I wasn’t, it would crush me, again confirming my inner fears.

These fears were that I am not enough. I am not worthy of love. I am defective. I hold no real value, I am useless to the world and others. I take up space. I am a burden. I am not safe in the world. These crippling  and unconscious (for the most part) fears lead me down many self-destructive roads, involving the frequent abuse of drugs and alcohol in a bid to escape these feelings and my thoughts for a while. I would settle for the attention of those who, themselves were very hurt and in need of healing and as a result would allow and entertain abuse and disrespect. I would actively seek opportunities for validation from anyone. This could mean flirting with the wrong people, posting pics on line to get comments or likes. In the case of my relationship this meant the constant need for reassurance of my partners love, attraction and commitment. I would frequently break up with them, to test if they would fight for me. I would fight with them into providing more daily reassurance. I needed ongoing sexual intimacy, and would engage in this with them even if it would hurt me or I didn’t want it, simply because I believed that without doing so, they would simply find it elsewhere or I would be rendered useless. This also meant that at the first sign of neglect from them, I would need to ensure I had a contingency plan, in the form of another interest from the opposite sex.

I believed that the right person would heal me of these feelings and this behaviour. I believed a marriage proposal would have me finally feeling safe. It wasn’t until December last year that I began to question these beliefs and more importantly my behaviour. I had been through so many relationships, all that battled similar problems. If there weren’t any problems, simply because the other person was besotted enough with me, or I suppose dysfunctional enough to be at my beck and call, then I would get bored. I needed and expected far too much out of a romantic relationship. I began to realize that I would never find happiness, a sense of purpose, inherent value, self-love or safety through another. These had to be cultivated within. Understanding this now, has helped and I try to remain conscious of this. It is so easy to understand and know this until one re-enters into a romantic relationship and the inner wounds are triggered again. The fears re-emerge and I unconsciously slip back into my usual default defences, which involves vacillating between being at my partners beck and call and giving too much of myself and then resenting them for not reciprocating or ensuring I feel all that I believe I should feel.

The realization of the importance of staying connected to oneself is resounded through the lyrics of Beyonce’s song. I cannot give from an empty cup, as cliched as that sounds. First I need to take care of me. I need to give myself the love I seek, I need to take care of and nurture myself in order to feel that inherent love and value. I need to pursue my own goals and sense of purpose. A purpose separate to my role as a partner. It needs to be me first. If I am unhappy I need to fix that through my choices, habits, actions and thought processes. If I feel unsafe then that is a sign that I am not rooted in myself. I need to ground myself, stay present and remember that at my core, I am infinite, connected to the source and to all. I need nothing outside of me. When the void returns and it will, because that’s life then I need to simply, come back to me.