I battled with living a balanced life prior to Covid 19. I am extreme. I am all or nothing. I am either feasting/binging or I am fasting. I am either totally abstaining from all alcohol or I am getting drunk. I am either madly in love or I am disinterested. I am either hyper focused or distracted. You are either in or you’re out. I have spent so many days and nights praying that I would be free of my compulsions. Trying intellectually, to understand why I cannot function as others do. Have just one chocolate, have one drink. There are times when I think I have finally managed to get my compulsions under control, for example, when I am on a summer holiday. Perhaps it’s because I know that I am going to the beach daily and so cannot afford to binge to the point that I cannot wear anything tight fitting the next day. I can lie in the sun which relaxes and gets my mind off food too. Being present is far easier and more pleasant.
I have always found that drugs and alcohol are easier to abstain from, because you can completely stay away in order to recover from the compulsion. Food and sugar are different, they cannot really be avoided, and one cannot abstain completely. Prior to Covid 19 I had methods that helped me control these compulsions or addictions. They involved keeping myself busy and staying connected with others. This included seeing friends for a coffee, going dancing, going for a run or walk, bathing in the sun, etc. Occupying my mind with excitement around a future event also helped. This pandemic has removed the false sense of connection generated through social interactions as well as the false sense of certainty I previously deluded and comforted myself with. Without these quick fixes, I would have to turn inward and find the connection and faith in something greater.
Now in a very shitty turn of events, there is this pandemic and we are on lockdown. South Africa has implemented very harsh, restrictive measures until this pandemic is under control. God alone knows when that will be. There is no vaccine. We can only leave our houses to get essentials and food or to see the doctor. We cannot visit friends or family or exercise outside. I am stuck in my apartment on the 3rd floor, feeling like a caged animal. Whatever version of balance I thought I had attained has now come crumbling down. At first it was the booze. I decided that I might as well treat myself with a few drinks during these uncertain, apocalyptic times. Unfortunately, with me, as has always been the case, I do not ever just have one drink or two and one day of drinking leads to more days. Eventually I was taking MDMA during a public holiday with a friend. At least I was not alone. I have been in lockdown alone but with frequent visits from friends who would stay for days and bring along booze and narcotics. None of this is legal of course but I honestly did not care. It was that or my sanity or so I felt. During these occasions where I became intoxicated, I behaved badly and was reminded why I do not drink or use drugs. I contacted my AA sponsor again and asked her to take me back. I had met with her at the beginning of the year and told her that I had no longer required her services as I was cured, or I never had a problem to begin with. Obsessing about alcohol and drugs was no longer an issue. I had to crawl back to said sponsor with my tail between my legs.
Next up was the binge eating. Yesterday it was a public holiday and I decided it fitting to spend the day curled up on the couch binge watching a great series and eating everything that was in my fridge and cupboard. This consisted of biscuits and cheese, avocado, gherkins, chips, popcorn, ice-cream, chocolates and rusks. During this lock down I have gained 4kgs. Apart from that, cigarettes that I had quit smoking back in December and had since become repulsive to me, were now appealing again. Cigarette sales are prohibited during levels 5 and 4 of lockdown but despite this I was able to get hold of a box. I would love to say that I have been reminded of how disgusting cigarettes are, but they have been a pleasant outlet for an otherwise grim situation. On Friday, our level 5 lockdown lifts to level 4, which means we are given more freedom and more businesses are permitted to operate again, not all but some. However, it is more of the same thing, most of us must continue to work from home, that part I do not mind. We are not allowed to visit friends or family. Public transport can operate again, I never used public transport anyway, and supposedly we can exercise under strict instructions. No gyms, no group or organized sports and possibly not jogging or walking either but this is to be confirmed. At this stage I could pull my hair out, my split ended hair, that badly needs a trim but cannot get one because we are not allowed to visit hairdressers. I spoke to my sponsor this morning about my recent “outburst” and she suggested I keep a food diary and that I do not purchase any junk food or sweets to keep in the house. I will try this. I cannot tell you how badly I wish I were one of those people who was content to just Be. Those very people that have confessed to enjoying this period of lockdown and have spent their time studying, reading and exercising. I enrolled to study Christianity and after starting it decided that it was the most boring load of rubbish I had ever tried to get through. I have not also read any of the books that I had started prior to lockdown.
Honestly, I do not know what my problem is. I feel like my ego is being roasted on a slow cooker and during its last moments is tearing apart the apartment, destroying the furniture and shooting through the roof. It has really got me thinking about the connection between our ego’s and addiction. To me it is more apparent than ever before that addiction is a close attachment to one’s ego. The ego constantly fuelling a need for more. The ego’s incessant need for pleasure and instant gratification. The ego’s inability to just Be. I have spent a great deal of time attempting to transcend my ego, identifying the role it has played in human suffering and in that my own suffering. I preach words of ego transcendent wisdom to others and yet I am evidently far from cured. The situation we currently face globally and even more so within our country has brought a lot to light. Forced to stay put and with less distractions at my disposal, my ego has been more dominant than ever before. Desperately seeking an available outlet, a distraction from self. I record videos frequently for Instagram, these videos contain motivational content but really are just a platform for my ego’s need for importance and praise. I am full of shit. Prior to all of this I believed I was more “together” than most, spiritually awakened with less baggage than my peers. I can toss that notion out now.
The other outlet commonly used by the ego, for gratification and distraction is romantic love. During lock down all romantic love has been poured down the drain. We are unable to meet new people in person, if we do so then it is online, and one must duck and dive the law in order to be able to meet thereafter. If you do meet it is at your home or his. It is not romantic or exciting and people are forced to get familiar far, far quicker. Even relationships are under immense strain, as people are confined to their homes all the time, together with their partners. New relationships that should be enjoying the honeymoon phase have been fast tracked into what feels like a boring routine and mundane marriage. That one toilet in your little apartment must accommodate the two of you. You must allow the person to sleep over because they are not allowed to be driving on the road and visiting people. They see you dressed in comfortable attire and no make up the next morning. You are limited to activities that include making food, eating food, watching movies and talking. You must constantly clean up unless you want a infest of cockroaches to add to your list of problems. We have no idea how long this will all go on for and my only hope is that at the end of this, my ego will be dead and buried. Having finally been able to clearly see the role it plays in my human misery.
Soul Food 