2020 is now in full swing and one can identify certain trends for the year. Last year’s economic downswing in South Africa meant a lot of retrenchments so this year a lot of people have decided to take the plunge and start their own business. Political uncertainty has resulted in a lot of people putting measures in place and starting proceedings to emigrate. The release of some alarming content on Netflix highlighting the quality of our meat and the truth about how much protein we require, together with revelations that the source of that protein being as effective if not better, if it comes from a plant, grain or nut, has led many people to opt for a more plant based diet. Alongside these trends is the rise of dating platforms and the need for them in order to meet a suitable mate at a time where people aren’t seemingly able to do so conventionally or organically anymore. The reason for this is debatable but speculation might suggest it is because we now live in a world where both men and women are very career focused. Women no longer wait around for the man to get home from work. We also spend less leisure time at the local sports club or pub, waiting for a sweaty suitor to offer us a glance. We all have very fast paced lives. The rise of technology also means that we are permanently on the go, responding to emails from work at all hours or WhatsApp’s from family members and friends instantaneously. The development of dating apps has meant that men no longer feel obliged to try to speak to women or court them in order to get sex. In the past when men or women required sex, they would at the very least be present when they ventured out socially, as opposed to being glued to their phones. Men would make the effort to speak to a woman, to find out about her interests, wants and needs in a bid to win her over.
Alongside the above-mentioned trends for 2020, is the new hook-up culture. This includes but is not limited to men and women outrightly expressing their sexual desires and needs. The loose distribution of nude pics. Men and women engaging in highly obtrusive sexual behaviour. The practice of dating and courtship has seemingly fallen by the wayside to make way for the very explicit communication of one’s desires. Gone are the day’s where men tiptoed around their true intentions until the time was suitable. We have seen the rate at which most marriages fail, both men and women no longer require the other for much. The world has enabled us all to get what we want and need independently. True love is proving to be less and less realistic or sustainable. Whilst all of this may appear to be really sad for some, it doesn’t need to be because we still have a choice around what we want for ourselves and our lives. If we want depth, romance, meaning and true love, then I believe we can have all that but the way we live our life and the choices we make must differ. I am neither condemning nor condoning this hook-up culture, I am simply stating what I have observed. This may be a product of the millennial and generation Z’s access to instant gratification. The inspiration for this blog came about as a result of many discussions with female friends, all of whom are in their late 30’s. Being rather old school in our approach and ideals, there is a lot of frustration with the manner in which men relate and engage with us. I am not a prude at all, quite the contrary but my frustration is more around the lack of awareness that men seem to have around, what they want or what women want and the best way to go about getting their needs met.
There is nothing wrong with a man wanting sex from a woman, in the same way that there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting sex from a man. I wanted to find out what the factors are that determine the nature in which men and women engage with one another when it comes to dating and casual sex and so I did some research among several male and female subjects and was able to get some insight into the minds of both. When it came to the men there were some who said that they could engage in a purely sexual manner quite easily with young women, in their early 20s. These women were naturally more open to it and more sexually explorative. There were some men who said age played no role at all and that their style of engagement with women varied based on the woman’s character and in saying that, the choice to engage sexually with a woman was due to him believing that she was purely interested in sex . One man said that he found that with younger woman he could be honest about what his real intentions are, and with older women he found that he had to engage in deception, being aware that an older woman would not find his intentions (being that they are purely sexual), alluring or enticing. One of my subjects said that he felt the problem today is that people are trying to force connections where there aren’t or where there shouldn’t be. People in today’s age, get bored far too easily and are always looking for the next best thing. The perception being that women too, at times just want sex, nothing more and so there is no point in beating around the bush.
At this point I thought it best to get some insight from women on how they feel about casual sex. I spoke to several women and got the following insights. One said that as she is now in her late 30s, she is in her sexual power and as such, can causally engage with a man for sex. There would, however, need to be a type of love that existed between them in that moment. A connection and the casual sex engagement would be reserved for someone that she didn’t see long-term potential with despite the connection. If she did see long-term potential, then she would wait before sleeping with him. She also said that when she was in her 20s, she couldn’t do this as sex was always tied to a deeper attachment and expectation of more, thereafter. Another woman, who is currently married said that if she ever found herself to be single again, in a fulfilled career, with a great support structure from friends and family then she would be very keen to engage in purely casual sex. She is a very independent person who enjoys her alone time. She would have to have alternative support structures in place and the man would need to be the type of man that at the very least bothers to find out more about who she is as a person before sleeping with her. Another woman said that she went through a phase where she was happy to engage in purely casual sex and did so with a married man, but that after about 2 months she got bored with it. She did so because she found the man incredibly sexy but knew she couldn’t get anything more from him, beyond sex. The last woman said that she has never been able to engage in casual sex as it would bring up issues around rejection for her. As a result, every man she sleeps with she dates. Even if she sleeps with him on the first night she meets him, there must be an indication of a deeper emotional connection. If the sex didn’t lead to dating beyond that, she would feel immensely rejected as a person.
I am of the belief that no woman is ever solely interested in only getting sex. We may comply with a man’s advances or give the impression that we only want sex but this is mostly due to a lack of confidence or a lack of self-awareness. I say lack of self-confidence, because women often feel they can’t get what they want or need from a man, being connection and companionship, if they don’t put sex on the table. Lacking self-awareness results in some women consciously believing that what she wants is simply sex, but It isn’t sex alone that she is looking for, it is validation, gratification, intimacy and as I mentioned before connection and companionship. Therefore, a man needs to offer us more, if we are to indulge him sexually. Even if that is simply a dinner, and a deeper enquiry into who we are as human beings.
In closing I will say this, with the rise of technology, people are on the go all the time and instant gratification is rampant. The development of platforms like tinder means that people don’t need to make the effort to connect and communicate organically anymore. People aren’t present when they socialise because they are glued to their phones. The rise of social media has resulted in people feeling more inadequate than ever before and the fear of rejection is at an all-time high. People don’t want to put themselves out there in a social setting. Whilst all of this seems negative, there are some positives. Women are empowered now to be far more independent and so we are far less available than we used to be. We are now more likely to choose a partner based on the right reasons, such as shared values and compatibility. We now have access to people all over the world, whereas in the past we were limited only to those surrounding us.
Soul Food 