It’s been a rough two weeks since I returned home from the best holiday in Cape Town, as a lot of “stuff” came up for me, emotionally. It started on Friday, the 10th January where I suddenly felt myself feeling run down, as though I was coming down with flu. So I went home, got some vitamin C and got into bed. I ordered food from UberEATS and put on a series to watch while in bed. At some point in the evening I began feeling emotional, hurt and angry. I began recounting the last few years of my life and the amount of crap that I had endured through my romantic relationships. This was all exacerbated by the fact that I had just ended a very short, casual relationship with someone earlier that week, that had left me feeling very taken for granted and abused. I decided that this night would be the night that I would give him, as well as my ex before him a piece of my mind. I sent them both heated WhatsApp messages, telling them exactly how I felt, I also got into a fight with my Mom shortly after because she happened to call me whilst this was all taking place. She insisted on knowing why I sounded down and so I told her about my feeling hurt, brought on by my past disappointments in the love arena. She then proceeded to tell me how her and my sister had been speaking recently about how my Instagram posts may drive potential suitors away and that I should re-think how I am positioning myself as a “brand”. My Instagram posts are all very inspirational and spiritual in nature, their argument was that it may present me as someone who is unhappy, searching for happiness through these posts. This really pissed me off, so I told her off and we landed up having a fight. The days since, haven’t been much better and some days have been worse. I miss being in Cape Town, the beautiful mountains and the coast. I find myself hating the energy in Johannesburg, hating the city, everyone is so anxious, the streets are so loud, there is nowhere beautiful to run and there is nothing to do. None of that is true of course but in my opinion the place does pale by comparison to Cape Town from a beauty perspective. There is a lot less to do here, apart from going to a shopping mall, restaurants, or maybe visiting a park.
In the past weeks having felt disconnected and alone. I felt in need of a strong and masculine presence, or so I thought. I needed the comfort, I yearned for Cape Town and I felt desperate to move there as soon as possible. I tried to rent out my place here as quickly as possible, thinking that as soon as my place was rented, I could bugger off to the Cape. Unfortunately my boss had other plans and asked that I please stay put here in Johannesburg for at least a few more months, for the sake of the business. He needs me to close more deals and bring in more business as 2019 had not been a good year, economically at least. Reluctantly I agreed because I do enjoy my job and because as beautiful as Cape Town is, I need money so that I don’t become a burden to those around me. This transpired in me joining various dating apps in an attempt to try and ignore or rather fill the void I was feeling, and then something happened, seemingly out of nowhere. I had read the Celestine Prophecy this past December and it got me thinking, Celestine Prophecy talks about the different stages that society/humanity have gone through, the evolution of humanity if you will. It also talks about 12 spiritual insights, they are:
- Noticing Synchronicity
- The World has a “Spiritual Design”
- “Giving” The Karmic Design
- Human Control Dramas
- The Spiritual Connection
- Sensing A Life Mission
- Following Intuition
- Giving Energy Increases Synchronistic
- Fulfilling Human Destiny
You can read more about the insights here: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/12-spiritual-insights-current-times-celestine-fiona-van-rensburg/ you’re welcome.
In one of the insights, I think it’s the 5th insight the book talks about the aspects of feminine and masculine energies. All men and woman each, have masculine and feminine energies present within us. These energies need to be as balanced as possible if we are to feel harmonious and at peace. It is rather difficult to achieve and unlikely that one will ever attain complete balance, but one can work to attain better balance of these energies. This is yin and yang; yin refers to the feminine energies of life and yang the masculine. According to the celestine prophecy the universe can give us all the masculine and feminine energy we need, we simply need to learn that it is possible and how to do it. Women are born with a greater amount of feminine energy, which is why little girls have an “attraction” or are drawn to their Dad’s and men have a greater amount of masculine energy which explains the concept of Mommy’s boy and little boys being attached to their mothers. When I refer to the masculine and feminine energies here, this has absolutely nothing to do with gender. We all have the potential to lean more towards one polarity or the other regardless of our gender. We then grow up and yearn for the missing part of ourselves and we wrongfully believe it can be found in another, a member of the opposite sex. Once we meet someone and form a romantic relationship, we focus all our energy on them, we draw the masculine energy (if you are female) from our partner and they do the same thing to us, drawing on our feminine energy. This leave us feeling depleted and we land up engaging in a power struggle and forms of manipulation in a bid to draw the energy we require from our partner. We become addicted to our partner for our “fix”, hence why we tend to feel completely lost and empty if the relationship ends, we have actually lost parts of ourselves.
It got me thinking to the type of men I have attracted of late and that they have been very ego driven. I am so committed to trying to transcend my ego, I am intuitive and as such make most of my decisions based on a sense or a “vibe” I get, I feel a lot, I can be very vulnerable, I am transparent and honest. The men I have found myself drawn to and attracting have been quite the opposite to me, they were far more rational and logical. They were very career focused and driven by a need to accomplish. They also had this need to constantly conquer, always needing to climb the corporate ladder, make lots of money, look good, and achieve in order to gain external accolades. What this meant for our relationship was that I was also another goal that after reached, needed to shift. This may not and in fact probably was not a conscious process and had I engaged in some form of game playing and made them feel like they hadn’t quite attained me, then the relationship would have probably lasted longer as they would have likely, continued to fight for my affection. This was a suggestion, advice given to me by other women. Instead I freely gave them my time, attention and love, I tend to have poor boundaries, a sympton of not enough masculine energy and I became insecure and needy. This drove these men away because, I believe after having conquered me, they required a new goal post to reach. For a while I labelled these men as narcissists, but the truth is they weren’t and aren’t, they simply have an imbalance of energies, too much masculine energy, not enough feminine energy. The fault wasn’t on them alone, I too, have too much feminine energy. I was being drawn to them for their masculine energy and neither of us had enough of a balance of the two energies to sustain a healthy relationship. It also occurred to me that places and cities have a dominant energy surrounding them too. Johannesburg is very masculine, being a city that drives one to build their career, achieve, accomplish, make more money and drive the economy. Cape Town being far more lifestyle and quality of life oriented, is more focused on living a life of balance, work but enjoy yourself too, enjoy the outdoors, climbs a mountain and meditate.
Aspects of feminine energy are; unconditional love, nurturing, empathy, kindness, creativity, feeling, sensitivity, emotional…
If wounded these can be; needy, co-dependent, overly sensitive, manipulation, victim.
Aspects of masculine energy are; protection, clarity, boundaries, focus, support, logical, responsibility, inner strength.
If wounded these can be; dominance, control, aggression, competitive, avoidance, abuse, criticism, unsupportive.
I am feeling a lot better now. I realize, again that it all comes back to me. I need to balance these energies for myself. I haven’t been good with boundaries, I have battled with clarity, I have felt such frustration at the universe’s lack of delivery when it comes to my career, my life, my relationships and yet I haven’t been clear on what I wanted for myself. I lack logic at the best of times and yes, I have sought out a sense of safety for myself externally, through a man. Never quite attaining it and remedying that sense of lack in all the wrong way, binge eating for one.
That’s all for now.
Soul Food 