I am 32, unmarried and happy to report that over this past year I have found a lot of peace in being alone. Something that I battled with in my younger years. In society as a woman you are brain washed to believe that your goal should be to find a husband and have children before you are 30. You might say that society has come a long way in terms of empowering women to be equal to men. We are encouraged to build our own careers and to find our own identity. There are many articles and books written that attempt to squash the notion that a woman’s value lies in being a wife and a mother but I have to say I don’t feel we are quite there yet. I suppose we are working with decades of programming and belief structures put firmly in place by religious groups and authority figures.
Throughout my life, I spent a great deal of time and energy on anticipating and day dreaming about the day that I would meet “the one” I believed that when that day came I would finally be free of the deep emptiness, sadness and loneliness I felt inside. You watch enough romcoms and Disney movies and you can understand why I would have had that deeply ingrained belief. Along my journey I have made certain observations about the rules of dating in the modern age. I Have been lucky enough to have a lot of friends and we exchange dating stories daily. I myself have also always been absolutely fascinated by human psychology. It is sad and yet fascinating the power that the human ego holds on our romantic dynamics with members of the opposite sex. We all regularly speak about our desire to find a loving and deep relationship with someone who treats us well and is loyal, yet we are full of shit. I personally believe that so many of us have barely any self-awareness to even be aware of what we truly want, or what guides our decision making and behaviour. To truly know who you are and what you want, takes a lot of internal work, time alone and introspection. You must be willing to be alone, face your deeply rooted fears, insecurities and trauma’s because let’s face it, none of us are without them. You must be prepared to take responsibility for the places that your life has taken you and the emotions you feel on a day to day basis.
Having said all that, we live in a society that is driven by consumerism. The ego governs most of our thoughts and our behaviour and we are brain washed into believing that we will only feel ok once we have more, buy more, do better or look better. We set goals and once they are attained, instantaneously we feel the need to shift the goal post. At some stage, hopefully, one realizes that this is a futile exercise in the pursuit of happiness and after enough pain starts to look inwards. This is what happened to me and so I now live a life where I make a habit of meditating, reading spiritual books, introspecting and spending time alone. I also enjoy alternative therapies such as reiki and yoga. I have begun engaging in these habits for some years now but I still feel largely at the mercy of my ego and I see this play out daily in my job, my friendships, my perception of self but mostly in my romantic relationships and I believe that to be the case for most of us.
We enter these romantic “tango’s” which land up being mostly power struggles, who approaches who? Who should text or call first? How much effort is too much effort? How much care should I show and at what stage? When is it ok to be intimate? I have always been someone who wears my heart on my sleeve and I reveal my cards from day one. My reason for doing this is that I haven’t wanted to waste my time creating an illusion of myself that I couldn’t live up to. What is the point in forming an attachment to someone only for them to later discover that they don’t like or approve of the real me? I would be left with a deep feeling of rejection and an unwanted attachment. I have always wondered about those girls that manage to get men to fall madly in love with them, seemingly at the drop of a hat and I noticed something, these women were all very good at being mysterious, not saying or doing too much. They also, at times but not always, played the role of damsel in distress. What this means is that these men can create whatever fantasy they want about these women and the relationship they will have with them, because these women have afforded them this through the mystery they offer. Let’s face it I can comment on this from a woman’s perspective but the same applies for men. As a woman I enjoy a man who doesn’t give away too much too soon, the less I know about him, the more I can fantasize about what I want him to be. Ultimately the psychology of romantic love is really based on an illusion, a fantasy created by both people. We project our fantasies and our traits on to our partner and we see what we want to see. We are looking for a quick fix, a drug, one that can allow us to escape ourselves for as long as possible.
Further to that, being someone who enjoys giving and helping those where I can, I have observed something else. In romance people don’t respond well to being given too much, or being treated too well. I will elaborate, in my past relationships and in my romantic engagements (people I have had flirtations with or gone on dates with) whenever I have been particularly nice or complimentary, or offered to help in some way, e.g. offering to bring them dinner, helping them with work or giving them a gift, I have noticed a shift in their energy towards me and in their behaviour thereafter. Whilst the person always verbally gives gratitude, the behaviour does shift. There is a definite decline in effort. The reason for this I believe is again tied to the ego. We seem to believe, unconsciously perhaps that someone who gives a lot or is too nice, is of a lesser value or that they must be desperate, which reverts back to my previous point on them being of a “lesser value”. If someone gives us the bare minimal and is hard work, we feel that this person is obviously too busy, too in demand, too good for me. I must work harder because clearly the reward will be worth it. If they are easy to attain then there is something faulty or defective there and we become suspicious. If I were to hand you a Ferrari with the keys and said it was yours, just like that, you would likely be very suspicious and feel it was too good to be true.
This human experience is very paradoxical, we yearn for connection and intimacy and yet when we encounter it, we are terrified.
Soul Food 