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Dealing with difficult times… 3/12/2019
Today I chatted to one of my best friends about one of the most difficult times of my life to date. This conversation came about because she herself is dealing with a very painful break-up. Her and her ex were on the brink of getting engaged, ring purchased, discussions had, and he was to propose that month. At that time, she decided the relationship wasn’t making her happy, and she had outgrown the situation and she decided to leave or rather take a break from him for a month to evaluate and re-assess things. She later admitted that she had always thought they would simply take a break and get back together, but this didn’t happen. I won’t get into the details of that because that isn’t, what this blog is about and it’s her story to tell, but essentially, he chose to move on, and she was left very heart sore and with a lot of regret. I made a point of checking on her regularly, as one should, in my opinion do when a loved one is going through a trying time. From time to time she would ask me how I managed my breakup 6 years ago and would even apologize for not having been more sensitive to it.
I had been through break ups since this one in 2013, but this one stood out because it was the one that arguably seemed to hit me the hardest and, was the most serious of my relationships. This relationship differed from the others for me, in that, I was happy with this man. He matched my efforts and we were truly best friends. When we got together it was honestly magical. I remember the first time we held hands as a couple, and I remember the electricity that pulsed through my veins. He was the best drug to me. I finally felt “home” We were pretty much inseparable from day 1 and went on to live together. The sad part in all of this was that I was 24 when we met and started dating and there were so many wounds and traumas that I hadn’t even barely recognized, let alone dealt with. I had absolutely no sense of self, no identity, I absolutely didn’t love myself and my existence relied entirely on external gratification and validation. My identity required it. I longed and searched for a romantic partner and then based my identity, happiness, peace entirely on that person. During the times that I was single I would obsess over finding someone, searching extensively and I would distract myself with social outings, flings, potential romantic interests and friends until I landed my next relationship.
What this meant was that my romantic relationships were all a mess. Up until this point I truly believed all my underlying pain, trauma and troubles would be remedied simply by finding “the one” and getting married. Unfortunately, I was wrong and after meeting this man, I went on to discover my next fix, outlet, distraction… drugs and alcohol. Prior to this time, I had drunk from about the age of 21 and that offered me great preoccupation from myself. I had tried drugs and loved them but soon discovered that the after math left me feeling far worse. By the time that I met said man I believed I had things under control… I didn’t and unfortunately, he himself was similar in nature. He was lively, fun, outgoing, warm, the life of the party and together our relationship was one massive party. It got to a point where he wanted things to calm down, for us to settle and I was incapable of doing that. At that point, the drugs had taken over and I had decided that I was bored and far happier chasing the joll, chasing the drugs and flirting with other men for cheap thrills. In the end the relationship bombed… I had killed it.
I too broke up with him believing it to be a tiny break, I didn’t feel I had a choice. He had lost interest and had started to look/mess around. I thought by leaving him he would realize what he had lost, and things would go back to the way they started. This didn’t happen, instead he met someone else very soon after, and today they are married with a daughter. This destroyed me and played on my deepest and most potent underlying wound, my sense of inadequacy, being unlovable, unworthy and inevitably never being enough. It tore me up how replaceable he had made me, and he had done so with such ease. Today I told my friend that if there was a manual of how NOT to handle a breakup or rather painful times, I followed every rule. I proceeded to drink and get high most days and I became promiscuous. I wasn’t only dealing with a breakup. I was dealing with my Mothers health taking a very bad turn for the worse and the realization that if she didn’t get a liver transplant asap, she would leave us. Side note: I am extremely close and in some ways co-dependent with my Mother, dating back to my formative years when I was separated from her due to my parents being divorced and having joint custody. The combination of these two blows and an underlying unknown addiction that had manifested into drugs and alcohol lead me down a road of complete and utter spiritual dereliction. During this time, the truth is, I just wanted to die. I wanted my reckless behaviour to result in death, or at the very least an accident bad enough to force my hand. Force me to change. I couldn’t seem to do it alone.
I was so, desperately unhappy and apart from the times that I was high and often even then, I wanted to die. After I cleaned my act up and found a 12-step program which helped me to get clean and sober, I was forced to face a lot of truths. One of which was a deep sense of self-loathing. a need to self-destruct, a lack of a spiritual connection to a higher power. One of the consequences of my actions was that I carried so much guilt and shame with me, even after I had been sober for some year and my behaviour had drastically changed. I hated myself for my promiscuity and I later realized that I was hating myself and believing the worst of myself when really, my intention was just to find connection, to find love. How ludicrous is it to hate oneself for that, to hate oneself in general? How incredibly sad. I now realize with a lot of time, introspection and internal work that there is no sin, no right or wrong, only our intention behind every choice. Every choice will lead us to an action and that action will either lead us either closer to our souls’ purpose, closer to our higher selves, closer to our life purpose and in doing that leave us feeling good. Or it will lead us further away from that and in doing so we land up suffering… again if we choose to but that is a topic for another day.
Today I am so much happier. I don’t regret the past because I have found peace, a greater sense of self-acceptance, self-love and love for others that I don’t believe I would know, had I not been on this path. Furthermore, I believe that my purpose is linked to the healing and empowerment of others. I don’t believe I would be able to do that had I not seen the darkness and the pain that I have. The pain that has allowed me to feel so much empathy for my fellow man.
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